"A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad. He called him an 'old bastard'. His Dad replied with, "I would have sexually abused you as a child if you weren’t so fucking ugly.'
"Was out with a woman friend once when this happened. Random bloke, 'Ere, love, sit on me face.' Her, 'Why, is your nose bigger than your penis?'
"I was seven, running around the garden, with a pointy stick. Suddenly my mum starts shouting from the kitchen, 'You'll have your eye out. What are you going to do then?' I replied 'I'll become a pirate mum!', and continued running around.
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