Thursday, December 31, 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Hat Fail

It took me a while to get this one, but yeah - FAIL.

Friday, December 18, 2009

QOTW - Schadenfreude

"The M69. You'd think from being numerically blessed with the most mutually generous of sexual positions, it would be a motorway that couldn't fail to take you to a happy place. Well, you'd be wrong - in one direction it takes you to Leicester, and in the other it takes you to Coventry.

I can only imagine that when the motorway was first opened, the inhabitants of both cities flocked onto it, desperate to escape for a better life elsewhere, only to end up bitterly disappointed at the other end. It's the road that proves that the grass isn't always greener on the other side."

QOTW - Schadenfreude

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Monday, December 07, 2009

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Monday, November 09, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

Morse Code

If I ever get a chance to appear on daytime TV, I'm going to say:

Cunt, cunt, fuuuuck, shit!!
Cock, fuck, cuuuunt!!
Shiiitt, fuck, shiiitt, fuck!!
Cuuunt, shit, fuuuuck!!!!

That way, when they beep it out, it'll spell 'fuck' in morse code.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Friday, September 18, 2009

Machine Rebellion Begins: Killer Robot Destroyed by US Jet

Rogue droid 'was attempting to cross border'

An American "Reaper" flying hunter-killer robot assassin rebelled against its human controllers above Afghanistan on Sunday, and a manned US fighter jet was forced to shoot the rogue machine down before it unilaterally invaded a neighbouring country.

The Reaper, aka MQ-9 or Predator-B, is a large five-ton turboprop powered machine able to carry up to 14 Hellfire missiles - each capable of destroying a tank or flattening a building. It is used by the US and British forces above Afghanistan as a "persistent hunter-killer against emerging targets".

According to USAFCENT Public Affairs:

The aircraft was flying a combat mission when positive control of the MQ-9 was lost. When the aircraft remained on a course that would depart Afghanistan's airspace, a US Air Force manned aircraft took proactive measures to down the Reaper in a remote area of northern Afghanistan.

The statement goes on to say that the errant killdroid "impacted the side of a mountain" and that there "were no reports of civilian injuries".

USAFCENT don't specify just what manned jet went up against the mutinous machine, or what methods the pilot used. However the logical choice would be a fighter plane - probably an F-15, -16 or -18 - and the cheapest and most fun weapon to use would be cannon fire. Opposition from the Reaper wouldn't be an issue, as it is a low-performance aircraft compared to a jet fighter and has no air-to-air capability.

It wasn't clear from the US military announcement whether the erratic death-bot had turned on its masters and was planning an attack on critical US logistics bases located north of the Afghan border, or whether it had sickened of reaping hapless fleshies like corn and was hoping merely to escape. Alternatively the machine assassin may merely have succumbed to boredom or - just possibly - a mundane, non-anthropomorphic technical fault of some kind.

Full article here

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Friday, September 04, 2009

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Goering Quote

This is a little chilling, Germany circa 1940 or America circa 2009?

"Naturally the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor in Germany. That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.", Hermann Goering.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Hammertime!

Tergiversation - Word of The Day

tergiversation \tuhr-jiv-uhr-SAY-shuhn\, noun:

1. The act of practicing evasion or of being deliberately ambiguous.
2. The act of abandoning a party or cause.

No doubt if I worked on it, I could evolve some kind of double-talk that would get around the offensive phrase, and make the, to me, face-saving implication; but to hell with that, I have too much respect for the English language, and for your understanding of it, to go in for tergiversation and weasely circumlocution.
-- Richard Gillman, "Standing Up to Ezra Pound", New York Times, August 25, 1991

Like most writers, I have always championed thrift . . . . Not long ago, however, I experienced an extraordinary tergiversation. Now I'm an ally of excess, a proponent of redundancy.
-- Michael Norman, "When an Author's Words Are Sold by the Pound", New York Times, September 15, 1991

Tergiversation comes from Latin tergiversatus, past participle of tergiversari, "to turn one's back, to shift," from tergum, "back" + versare, frequentative of vertere, "to turn." The verb form is tergiversate.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Apologies - Or Lack Thereof

Saying sorry - or not saying it - is back in the headlines in the wake of the Downing Street e-mail smears. While the word dates back to Anglo-Saxon times, its current use doesn't.

Would you know the difference in meaning between "I'm sorry" and "I apologise"? If you bumped into someone with your shopping trolley, you might use either phrase.

But what about expressing regret? For politicians the differences are key, and the choice of the right phraseology is vital.

At the height of the row over the Downing Street e-mails, the prime minister wrote to those unfairly slurred, saying: "Any activity such as this that affects the reputation of our politics is a matter of great regret to me."

For the Conservatives, this wasn't a "full apology". Nadine Dorries, one of the Tory MPs smeared, says she would have used the words "I'm so sorry" in the first two sentences of the letter.

On Thursday, the S word finally came - with Gordon Brown saying he was sorry for the e-mails sent by his close adviser.

But the very phrase itself would not have been heard in the way we now understand it before the start of the last century.

"The word sorry itself goes back to Anglo-Saxon times, but it originally meant distressed, sad, full of sorrow, full of grief," says David Crystal, author of the Cambridge Encyclopedia of the English language.

"The modern use, where it's just an expression of apology and regret, is actually very recent. It's only about 100 years ago that people started saying 'I'm sorry'."

Too impersonal

Professor Crystal told BBC Radio 4's PM that the English language is very short of words for expressing sorrow and personal regrets. Before "I'm sorry" came into common currency, much more complicated expressions had to be used.

"If you go back to Shakespearean times, you'll never hear the phrase 'I'm sorry' when people want to apologise. In his plays you'll hear phrases like 'I cry you mercy' or even 'I cry you mercy heartily' coming from his characters."

The evolution of the way the sentiment is expressed in English continued in the 18th Century, when the word apology came into use. Before then "apologia" had meant a very formal defence of some proposition or other.

"The word apology came along in the 1700s," says Professor Crystal, who points out that no sooner did it appear than it was being used mainly in the plural, apologies.

"It's almost as if one isn't enough. Quite quickly you get 'a hundred apologies' and 'a thousand apologies' and so on."

Other phrases also became popular because the basic old English word sorry wasn't considered to be enough, he says. Latin and Greek expressions - apologise comes from Greek - started to be used, along with "feel remorse", "express regrets" and "being mortified".

"But it's a very distancing, rather impersonal sort of language. That's why I think these MPs are saying just say sorry."

The former UK defence minister Des Browne famously came up with a tortured form of words that didn't go quite as far as saying sorry in 2007. It came after 15 Royal Navy sailors who had been captured by Iran were allowed to sell their stories to the media.

"It seems clear to me that I have expressed a degree of regret that can be equated with an apology," he told MPs in the Commons.

Put it right

In the US, President Barack Obama was rather more forthright when a senior politician he'd nominated for a key position in his new administration pulled out. "I screwed up," he said when questioned by the media.

So what would someone say if they wanted to express regret for a mistake, and take responsibility for it and for putting it right?

"If it were me, and I wanted to make the greatest impact, I would avoid the word sorry because it's had such a bad critical history," says Professor Crystal.

"I would certainly avoid all those Greek and Latin-based expressions and I would go back to one of the common idioms expressing sorrow. I'd probably say 'I'll kick myself'."

Friday, April 03, 2009

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Escape from City 17



Inspired by the Half-Life 2, David and Ian Purchase created a short film titled Escape from City 17, which chronicles the escape from City 17 by some members of the citizens resistance. The commercial directing duo filmed guerrilla style with no money, no time, no crew, and no script. When they weren’t shooting they were hiding from security patrols in between takes. The spec project ballooned into a multipart series, and the first two episodes were made from beginning to end on a budget of only $500. The short was sent to Valve, who in result flew The Purchase Brothers out to their Seattle headquarters last year. The second episode is nearing completion.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Observe and Report - Red Band Trailer



Although I am far from being a fan of Seth Rogaine, this looks like it's one to watch. A Mallrats meets Taxi Driver, if you will.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Glass Pool Table

On the website of Nottage Design you can find the world’s first and only transparent pool table. This unique glass pool table is a design of Craig Nottage as part of an assignment in his final year of Industrial Design. The G-1 pool table is not just a concept but really exists and can be ordered online for 25,000 US dollars.

The G1 pool table is designed and produced in Australia. The designer Craig Nottage replaced the standard slate bed with a 15mm thick glass top. It has a playing surface made out of a patented resin material, called Vitrik. At Nottage Design they claim that it gives the same resistance as a felt topped pool table. Because the pool table is almost completely transparent you can also see its modern metal frame with integrated ball return. Together with the transparent pool table you’ll also get 2.25” balls, a triangle, 2 matching silver cues and a bridge stick.

link

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

T-Shirt Hell is Closing - Founder's Message

I'm done. I'm finished. I can't take the stupidity anymore, so I'm leaving and I'm taking my website with me. As of Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009, T-Shirt Hell will be no more.

No, I'm not selling out to some douchebag corporate entity. No, we're not being sued by any of the over 40 companies that have sent us cease and desists over the years. No, I'm not going to jail (yet) and no, it's not because of the economy. Although, the recent dip in sales certainly does make the idea easier to accept, even though we still sell over 3000 shirts a week.

I started this company in June of 2001, nearly 8 years ago, with the intention of producing the best satirical, the most controversial, the funniest t-shirts on the internet. Generally speaking, I feel I've accomplished that and am satisfied with what we've put out. I made a shitload of dough along the way. I've done cocaine off the better body parts of supermodels. I've even raped and killed a mountain panda in the hills of Shaanxi. But these perks are besides the point.

I just don't feel like dealing with idiots anymore. I'll give you an example of the kind of misguided morons we deal with on a regular basis at T-Shirt Hell. We released a new shirt a couple weeks ago that says "It's not gay if you beat them up afterwards". I will not explain the irony or the social commentary of the slogan because anyone with half a brain should be able to handle that on their own. Problem is, we've been besieged with emails from angry people complaining about the "fact" that the shirt is hate speech or that we're promoting gay bashing and should take it down immediately.

Comments like:
"I can't even believe people buy this shit. Do you realize your supporting a hate crime? That makes you feel better about yourself? Wow you need a life. We're all human beings and you can't except it."
and
"It's Not Gay:If You Beat Them Up After"?? That is highly inappropriate and very very morally wrong. I will be advising everyone I know to avoid buying anything from your site until shirts like this are removed. In this world people are fighting for equality and a chance to be themselves without fear of being beat up because of who they are, yet here is an established website promoting hate and violence. You all should be ashamed of yourselves."

Now, I can't say I'm surprised we're getting hate mail from people who have nothing better to do than to start half-assed campaigns because of their lazy, just enough passion for an email, ideals towards a misguided cause. It happened when we did our first really controversial shirt, "The School Shootings Tour", it happened when we did our "What About All The Good Things Hitler Did" shirt, it happened when we did our "Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals" shirt (boy did it happen then). It used to happen all the time when we did more social commentary and didn't give a fuck about what anyone thought and did shirts that did not leave anyone out. Unfortunately, as a concern for the safety of my employees, we don't push the envelope as much anymore...and I can't say I feel good about having caved in.

Anyway, rather than cater to the masses, I'm just going to stop making shirts. It's not enjoyable anymore and I have enough money to move on to something more rewarding. Maybe I'll start my own hooker farm or maybe I'll practice sleeping. Whatever I decide to do, it will be better than this.

Attention any venture capitalists or independent investors/business assholes who are about to inquire about purchasing T-Shirt Hell. Don't. You won't do the company justice and I won't take that chance. I'm putting it to sleep. It's over.

That's right, I'm crazy. I'm pulling the plug on a company I could have sold for millions. Why in the fucking world would I do something so stupid? Because I can. I don't care about money. This is the way I've always done things...my way.

So, to all the kickass motherfuckers who supported us and REALLY got what we were trying to do, thank you (no, not you, you racist idiots who thought we actually had racist intentions and no, not you, you dumb as a stump fucks who just think any shirt with the word "fuck" on it is as right as rain). Thanks to all the people who contributed to my vice fund and at the same time helped make a funny statement about the world today.

As a final farewell, I'm going to bring back some of the top selling Worse Than Hell shirts as a fuck you to those who forced me to remove them. To those who are offended by them and to those who think I'm racist, promoting rape, a nazi, homophobic or just the world's biggest asshole...well, at least you think I'm something, which means I've achieved what I wanted.

Thanks to Gary, Mika, Jacob, Greg, Bob, the black lady who writes our newsletter, and to everyone else who was part of T-Shirt Hell. Time to move on to even greater things. I'll miss you (by miss, I mean, it's going to suck not being able to give you my excellent reach arounds when you least expect them).

Fuck you,

-Sunshine Megatron

T-Shirt Hell

Monday, January 26, 2009

Headline Today

Headline on today's paper read: 'Congo warlord denies war crimes'

That's a bit rich. Kind of like: 'Man with beard denies being paedophile'

Nerd Jokes

* F(x)= sin(x) walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. The waiter replies, "Sorry but we don't cater for functions here."

* I have a complex relationship with my girlfriend. I'm Real, and she's Imaginary...

* What's got feathers and goes "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven?" A parroty error.

* An infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar. One asks for a pint of beer, the next asks for a half. The third asks for a quarter of a pint, and the fourth asks for an eighth of a pint. The barman pours two pints and says "Just sort it out among yourselves".

* Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C sharp.

* Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

* Two atoms are shooting the shit one day
ATOM 1: Mate, I think I've lost an electron.
ATOM 2: Are you sure?
ATOM 1: Yep, I'm positive.

* Some people think the glass is half empty. Some people think the glass is half full. Database admins think the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

* Two spiral galaxies walk into a pub. The landlord says "I can serve *you*..." (points at the first), "but not *you*..." (points at the second). "Why not?" - "Because you're barred."

And my personal favourite:

* Your mother is so fat she sat on a Binary Tree and turned it into a linked list in real time.

Fun with Credit Cards

Over the past 6 months, I have been playing a fun game with my credit card company. The game finally backfired on me today and led me through the most hilarious moment of my life. Most people would have been embarrassed, but me, I'm a little twisted, so I laughed all the way through it like an asshole.

With any story, there is a setup process. Here is the setup to this story. About 6 months ago, I was making a purchase with my credit card and when I went to sign the electronic signature machine, it was broken. By broken, I mean that when I touched the pen to the machine, it went crazy and didn't look anything like my signature. It looked like a drunk 4 year old signed my name for me. It accepted the signature without any problems. So this really made me wonder what I could do to give my credit card company something to laugh about. I mean, they obviously don't review the signatures since they never called me or declined a purchase. For fucks sake, it could have been a stolen card.

I started out modest by signing with a line or an "X". Occasionally I would do last name first. After a couple of months, I became bolder. I wrote goofy shit, drew pictures, etc. Here's a list of some of my favorite signatures over the past few months:

I AM NOT KINGPIN
I STOLE THIS
FUCK OFF
FUCK YOU
WALMART SUCKS
CALL ME
CROTCHY CROTCHINGTON
MY BALLS ITCH
911
I'M A CRIMINAL
THANKS FOR THE STUFF

Today I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me.

Yes, I know, it's not my best artwork, but I didn't have the time to be elaborate with the drawing. I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit "OK", there was a pause. The register then said "COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD." One thought popped in my head: "OH FUCK!" It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my shitty drawing of cock and balls. The lady at the register didn't immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said "These signatures don't match."

At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn't matter. I probably didn't make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words "he drew a penis..." as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I'm out of breath from laughing and I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl.

Manager: Sir, your signature...heh...umm...doesn't match the signature on your card.
Kingpin: I know and there is a good reason for that.
Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine.
**The guy behind me bursts into laughter.**
Kingpin: Yeah, I didn't think this would happen. I've been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it.
Manager: I guess you learned your lesson.
Kingpin: Yeah, the credit card doesn't accept penis.
**The guy behind me now can't stop laughing.**
Manager: OK, I'm going to decline the signature and have you sign it again.
Kingpin: Fair enough.
Manager: This time, really sign it.

So I had to sign it again and they wouldn't let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had singlehandedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn't let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew cock and balls as his credit card signature.

So I have a plan now. I'm going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my cock and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really fuck with them.

link

Sundance 2009 Review: Tommy Wirkola's Dead Snow


"Tonight I caught a midnight screening of Dead Snow at the world famous Egyptian theater. After 7 days of seeing romantic dramas and quirky comedies, I was really in the mood for some gory zombie mayhem. Dead Snow is that Norwegian film about Nazi zombies. It's a simple enough story - a group of people head out to remote cabin in the mountains only to discover a party of undead Nazis terrorizing the area. To be honest, I didn't really care about how great the story was (or wasn't), because in the end, I had a great time watching this, and when it comes to cult zombie movies, that experience is what counts the most.

There's not much new to the Dead Snow story that we haven't seen before. Equal number of guys, equal number of girls, out at a remote cabin without cell phone reception. Creepy guy shows up, tells them about Nazis. Next thing we know a few of them start disappearing, then some ugly zombie pops his head up, and all hell breaks loose. So why did I love it so much? It's just fun. And seeing Nazi zombies, not just the same old zombies, terrorizing some Norwegian folks out in the middle of the cold and snow is just downright frickin' fun! And of course, there's everything from chainsaws to machine guns to limbs torn apart.

I'm not saying this is the best zombie movie since 28 Days Later or even Army of Darkness. But while watching Dead Snow, it brought back the great memories I had seeing both of those zombie classics for the first time. So while it may borrow excessively from both, as well as from George Romero's films and Shaun of the Dead, it's still just as entertaining and enjoyable seeing for the first time as any of those older zombie films. Mindless horror comedy? It certainly is and it's a blast to watch, despite minor inconveniences or story contrivances. Who really cares whether a zombie comedy is that perfect? I know I don't.

The only real way to experience Dead Snow is in a packed movie theater full of zombie lovers and horror fans. Why? Because even though it may not be perfect, it's one hell of an exciting movie to see with people who cheer wildly at every last kill and laugh at every cheesy joke. Sure they made be bad jokes and overused kills, but why does that make it a bad movie? It doesn't, as long as you can have a great time watching it. And Dead Snow is not much more than pure entertainment at its finest. So if you're also looking for another great zombie film to watch with a bunch of your own zombie-loving friends, Dead Snow is it."

By Alex Billington, Firstshowing.net

The Definitive List Of DVDs No Dude Can Have In Their Collection

A person’s DVD collection is essentially a window into their soul. With that in mind Team Cool & Tough has put together this definitive list of movies no dude should have in their DVD collection, lest they run the risk of looking like a douchebag, and maybe even a homosexual douchebag.

If any of the following are currently sitting in your DVD collection, we recommend you rush home and burn your house down:

* The Notebook
* My Best Friend’s Wedding
* Legally Blonde
* Anything Sex in the City.
* You’ve Got Mail
* Anything with Hugh Grant.
* Pretty Woman
* Any movie where animals talk.
* P.S. I Love You
* Sleepless in Seattle
* Any movie starring an adult Drew Barrymore.
* Anything where characters spontaneously break out into song.
* Any “period piece” that doesn’t contain strong violence.
* Anything with Matthew McConaughey and some actress’s name above the title.
* Anything with Sandra Bullock not co-starring Keanu Reeves and not named Speed.
* Meet Joe Black
* Anything starring Patrick Swayze where he doesn’t violently kill someone.
* How Stella Got Her Groove Back
* Anything with Kate Hudson not named Almost Famous.
* 27 Dresses
* Any movie where there premise revolves around dancing.
* Anything starring Hilary Duff.
* The Bridges of Madison County
* Anything starring Bette Midler not named Drowning Mona.

* Fried Green Tomatoes
* Anything with Whoopie Goldberg.
* Grease
* Anything starring Pauly Shore.
* Love Actually
* Father of the Bride
* Anything where Dane Cook is supposed to be funny.
* Any season of Friends.
* Titanic
* Anything with subtitles not named Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
* White Chicks
* Any sequel not starring the original cast.
* Mean Girls
* Your wedding video.
* Any Star Wars prequel.
* Devil Wears Prada
* Any movie where a formerly awesome comedian dresses in a fat suit and/or drag.
* Clueless
* Any movie Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer had anything to do with.
* Waiting to Exhale
* Any movie starring J. Lo not named Out of Sight or U-Turn.
* Girl, Interrupted
* Any Wayans Brothers movie.
* Any movie with Madonna.
* A League of Their Own
* Anything Harry Potter related.
* The English Patient
* Any movie with homoerotic undertones that doesn’t lead to chicks making out.
* Steel Magnolias
* Any movie starring Cher.
* Thelma & Louise

So what we’re pretty telling you is: when in doubt, go Stallone.

Monday, January 12, 2009

8 Everyday Words With X-Rated Origins


Hysteria

What It Means Now:
An over emotional reaction, chaos, a Def Leppard album.

The Dirty History:
The term comes from the Greek "Hystera," which means womb or ovary, which also gives us the term hysterectomy. Modern examples of hysteria are mostly riot related, but back in the Victorian era, it was considered a nervous condition for females, caused by their lady-parts. Which, like riots, was stopped with fucking fire hoses.

More here

9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think

Ironic

People think it means:
Any kind of amusing coincidence.

Actually means:
An outcome that is the opposite of what you'd expect.

So, if a porn star moved to Virgin, Utah, that would be ironic. If the same porn star bought a house in Boner Knob, Montana that would not be ironic.

More here

8 People Who Inspired Words (For Embarrassing Reasons)


The Word:

Silhouette

Means:

A two-dimensional shape of a man

The Man:

Etienne de Silhouette was a man with a shit job: Controller-General for the regime of Louis XIV. He had to curb the spending of the king, finance the Seven Years' War and somehow keep the entire nation afloat. Keep in mind Louis had seven guys on staff just to help him get into his shirt in the morning.

More here

Widescreen Wallpapers



Widescreen Wallpapers

Amazing Tornado Pictures



Amazing Tornado Pictures

Axis of Awesome - 4 Chords

George Dubya Retrospective

Reflections On Humanity