My Journey

Today I begin a new phase of a potentially arduous and frightening journey. I am, all at the same time, excited, scared, and very unhappy. I am excited by what I may achieve, scared by what I will have to encounter, and unhappy about what I have to leave behind, even if only for a short while.

What I have to achieve is a greater sense of self and an improved level of happiness. An understanding of what I require in order to be happy. An ability to make my own decisions - decisions that will be well-informed, true to myself, and that feel right, at least right for me.

To achieve this I know I will have to encounter many things that I have not had to face before. One of these things is a new level of honesty with myself. I now have to be brutal in acknowledging what I do well and what I do badly, and not to dwell on the things I do badly, but to improve on them. And not just to understand what I do well, but to go and find new things that I can do too. Not just things that I can do well, but things that I can't - things that I can fail at doing, things that scare me, but that I will do anyway.

Ultimately I need to change. I think I have known this for a while, because I have known that I am not happy. And I think I am not happy because I am not happy with myself.

I feel cut-off and insular, and right now I don't understand why because I think I have alot to give. And I certainly want alot more than I have. Not in a materialistic way, but in a "spiritual" way. I have been guilty of laziness and apathy with my own life.

I have already made the decision that something needs to change, now I need to search both within myself and out in the big, wide world to understand what and why.

Wish me luck, I think I am going to need it.